The Bachelorette: Decoding Contestant Job Titles

You guys. The time is near. I can smell the abundance of Ralph Lauren cologne and testosterone from here. The season 13 of the Bachelorette, with Rachel Lindsay at the helm, is almost here. Thirty-one men will be vying for the heart of the accomplished Dallas lawyer, and I honestly couldn’t give a shit.

I have never been intrigued by the reality show. The idea of finding true love and committing your life to someone after eight weeks is ludicrous to me. My vetting process for finding a new take-out Chinese restaurant takes longer than eight weeks.

But I’m not here to shit on The Bachelorette franchise and its multitude of spin-offs. From a business stand-point, they’ve got a good thing going. I’m here because there is one thing that this show guarantees, apart from short-lived engagements resulting in spin-off reality TV careers or working for E! News. That, my friends, is the wide array of contestants they churn up with the most confusingly fantastic “job” titles. We all remember Ben Higgins’ season (RIP Ben & Lauren) where two of the contestants’ job title simply read, “Twin.”

Whether you like watching the Bachelorette or not, we all love judging strangers who subject themselves to the scrutiny of national television.

I am making it my mission to expose these men and their “careers” for what they really are. Won’t you join me?

*Disclaimer: a handful of men have solid, important jobs such as ER physician, lawyer, Marine veteran, etc. These are few and far between.

Let’s Meet (some of) the Men!

Alex, 28

Stated Occupation: “Information Systems Supervisor”

Accurate Occupation: Writes Wikipedia entries by day, Amazon reviews by night

Anthony, 26

Stated Occupation: “Education Software Manager”

Accurate Occupation: Plays JumpStart for purely nostalgic purposes

Blake E., 31

Stated Occupation: “Aspiring Drummer”

Accurate Occupation: Nightclub bouncer who re-lives Battle of the Bands glory days

Brady, 29

Stated Occupation: “Male Model”

Accurate Occupation: Porn star with a background in Stock Photo modeling

Fred, 27

Stated Occupation: “Executive Assistant”

Accurate Occupation: Temp worker waiting to be discovered on ABC’s The Bachelorette

Jamey, 32

Stated Occupation: “Sales Account Executive”

Accurate Occupation: Fell victim to a pyramid scheme

Kenneth “Diggy”, 31

Stated Occupation: “Senior Inventory Analyst”

Accurate Occupation: Whole Foods shelf stocker

Kenny, 35

Stated Occupation: “Professional Wrestler”

Accurate Occupation: Back Alley MMA Fighter

Lee, 30

Stated Occupation: “Singer/Songwriter”

Accurate Occupation: Bartender and co-worker of Blake E.’s. They bond over talks of starting a band.

Lucas, 30

Stated Occupation: “Whaboom”

Accurate Occupation: Professional Cat-caller

Michael, 26

Stated Occupation: “Former professional basketball player”

Accurate Occupation: Unemployed gym rat attempting to reclaim his glory days

Milton, 31

Stated Occupation: “Hotel Recreation Supervisor”

Accurate Occupation: Lifeguard

Peter, 31

Stated Occupation: “Wisconsin business owner”

Accurate Occupation: Dairy farmer

Mohit, 26

Stated Occupation: “Product Manager”

Accurate Occupation: Reviews sex toys on YouTube

And last, and most certainly least:

Jonathon, 31

Stated Occupation: “Tickle Monster”

Accurate Occupation: Certified Creep

I would say, “Best of Luck” to the intelligent, level-headed, beautiful Rachel, but she’s already announced she’s engaged and found her happily ever after. Here’s to hoping it sticks!

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