101 Thoughts My Dog Has in a Day (I Think)

I just realized I missed the momentous occasion of my 100th blog post! So I am going to honor my 101st blog post by listing 101 thoughts I’m pretty sure my dog, Watson, has in a day. And yes, I did put a lot of thought into this (just not as much as my dog). Also, my dog’s full name is John Hamish Watson, of the Sherlock Holmes variety, so please read the following in a British accent. To do otherwise would be an insult to his culture.

  1. Mom…Mom. Mom! Wake Up!!!!!
  2. It’s 5:30 AM, what the hell are you doing still sleeping?!
  3. I’m just going to sit here and loudly lick myself until she gets annoyed.
  4. Okay, that’s not working. Let try consistent scratching to shake the bed until she gets up.
  5. OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE!
  6. Ugh, the grass is wet, I take it back. Screw outside.
  7. Mom, stop pulling on my collar! Just let me sniff this other dog’s shit for a second, okay?!
  8. Ugh, she is not a morning person.
  9. BIRD, BIRD, BIRD! LET ME AT ‘EM MOM!
  10. She never lets me do anything that I want.
  11. Should I pee on this tree? Nah, Sadie peed on it last. She’s crazy.
  12. How about this tree? Nah, Nobody’s peed on it in days. What a dud.
  13. This is it, this is my pee tree. I bet this is how Goldilocks felt.
  14. Gah, now there’s wet grass stuck to my paws. Better go rub it off on Mom’s white sheet.
  15. What an idiot, getting white sheets when she has a dog.
  16. TREAT? Did she just say treat?
  17. Oh, it’s just breakfast.
  18. Mom. Mom. Mom. Gimme some of your bacon.
  19. Stop pushing me away! That kibble is shit and you know it!
  20. You eat the same thing every day, twice a day then if you think it’s so good!
  21. Puhlease just give me a bit of bacon. Look into my soulful eyes.
  22. Yes! Sucker! Now I got the bacon!
  23. Now let me lick your plate.
  24. Just because you put it in the dishwasher doesn’t mean I won’t still lick it.
  25. I can’t believe she just jumped into the shower without being held down.
  26. Baths are the fucking worst, man.
  27. She crazy.
  28. Is she singing? Does she actually like the shower?
  29. Humans are weird.
  30. Where’s all of their fur?
  31. Why do they only have 2 nipples. I got like 8 of them!
  32. And they have to put on clothes just to go outside!?
  33. What a weak species.
  34. She’s putting on her shoes, does this mean we get to go for a walk?
  35. MOM, MOM, MOM! LET’S GO FOR A WALK!
  36. TREAT?! SHE’S GOING TO GIVE ME ANOTHER TREAT!
  37. What? Only if I go to my kennel?
  38. I’m only going to my kennel for the treat, not because you told me too.
  39. Just kidding, I’m going to hide under the bed, making you 10 minutes late for work again! Ha!
  40. What do humans even do all day?
  41. Do they just stand outside and pee on trees all day?
  42. No, I’ve seen her pee in my backup water bowl so I know that’s not true…
  43. Ugh, I’m bored.
  44. How long has she been gone?
  45. Does she still love me?
  46. I might as well just take a nap.
  47. I mean, there is a limit as to how many times you can lick your junk in one morning.
  48. That limit is 89. 89 times.
  49. WAS THAT THE DOOR?!
  50. She’s loves me! She really loves me!
  51. OUTSIDE! MOM LET’S GO OUTSIDE!
  52. I don’t have time for the pee tree, I’ve got to make this quick.
  53. Mom, stop talking to me in that voice. I’m practically 14  years old.
  54. When will she stop treating me like a child?
  55. TREAT!? I GET ANOTHER TREAT!
  56. I have to go my kennel again?
  57. Can you at least give me a bone this time?
  58. No? This communication barrier is becoming a problem. I thought you could understand my accent by now.
  59. Now what am I supposed to do? I’ve already licked my junk for the allotted amount of time today. I’m trying to cut back.
  60. Oh I know, I’ll chew my nails to make them sharp and scraggly.
  61. Okay, what’s a good way to waste time?
  62. Another nap it is!
  63. The door! The door is open!
  64. MOM, MOM, MOM! LET’S GO OUTSIDE!
  65. Mom, stop looking at my while I take a shit. It’s weird.
  66. Why does she pick up my poop? She never does that with her’s…
  67. Humans are weird.
  68. Mom, pay attention to me. Get off your phone!
  69. I know, I’ll just put my face over that noisy box and then she’ll pay attention to me!
  70. Works every time.
  71. That’s it, scratch right under the collar. Oooooo that’s the spot.
  72. Wait, why’d you stop?
  73. Hey, you don’t stop until I say you can!
  74. I know, I’ll put my tongue right in her mouth. That’ll get her attention.
  75. Nailed it.
  76. Oh god, she turned the stove on. Fuck the stove.
  77. I hate the stove, but love what the stove makes.
  78. Is she making a quesadilla?
  79. I love cheese.
  80. Mom, Mom, Mom… can i have it? Can I have the cheese?
  81. I’m just going to poke my head under your arm until I get some.
  82. Dammit. She’s not falling for it.
  83. Shit, was that thunder?!?!
  84. Screw summer thunderstorms.
  85. Off to the closet I go.
  86. Mom, I’ll just be hanging out under your clothes until the noise goes away, okay?
  87. I am not scared, okay!? I am simply taking precautions! What if there is a tornado?!
  88. Outside? Of course I don’t want to go outside, it’s raining you idiot!
  89. Fine, but only because you’re making me.
  90. Oh, the rain stopped, I guess it’s okay then.
  91. Ugh, wet grass again!
  92. I wonder if other dogs judge me because I squat sometimes instead of lifting my leg?
  93. You know what, who cares. I’m secure in my doggyhood.
  94. Now I’m damp from outside.
  95. I better rub up against all of the furniture until I’m dry.
  96. This could take hours.
  97. Mom, I want to play fetch but only for three throws and then I’m done.
  98. What a day, time to turn in.
  99. Mom, let me under the covers, your lamp is annoying me.
  100. That’s better.
  101. I wonder what we’ll do tomorrow?
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