How to Tackle Turkey Day Like a Pro

The fact that I still have to wait a week until my treasured Turkey Day arrives is torture enough. And we all know that great [mediocre] art comes from tortured times. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. An entire day dedicated to gorging on the maximum amount of food? Yes, please. It is about this time of November, the week before Thanksgiving, that I reflect on last year’s highlights and my strategy this year. With two Thanksgivings in one day, strategy is key. I still need to make up for last year’s pumpkin pie debacle. NO ONE BROUGHT PUMPKIN PIE. I thought I would indulge you all in my Thanksgiving process as I am sure I am not the only one who dives head first, literally, into the cheap canned cranberry sauce shaped like the can, right?

1. Fasting

New Girl Eating animated GIF

This is crucial to the process. Any other non-Thanksgiving related food that touches your mouth on the sacred Turkey Day may interfere with your maximum stomach capacity. Don’t risk it, no matter how hungry you are!

2. Walk in with a Purpose

Tv Sherlock animated GIF

Make that turkey your bitch. But like a bitch you love and respect and appreciate.

3. Prepare yourself to handle “Family Talk”

Movies animated GIF

Yes, they will all ask you the same questions they did last year, “So, how many boyfriends you got now-a-days?” Prepare yourself with a self-confident sneer and brush it right off. You mean business. Turkey business.

4. Get the sibling feud out of the way

Tv Anchorman animated GIF

Sherlock Sherlock Holmes animated GIF

It happens at every gathering, especially if you haven’t seen each other in a while and need to make up for drama’s sake. Get the snarky comments and back jabs in before the feast commences, otherwise those words may leave a bad taste in your mouth.

5. Round 1: Let the feast commence!

Food animated GIF

Food Eating animated GIF

Enjoy it my friends. The peace and quiet that now surrounds the table will not last for long.

6. Turkey-logged onset regret

Shocked Drinking animated GIF

Yet again, you realize your eyes may truly be larger than your stomach. All the turkey sitting in your system creates evil thoughts, such as “I’m too full,” and “There’s no way I can do this again at dinner time.” You. Can. Do. This.

7. Nap it off

tired animated GIF

This is essential to the game plan. You must sleep. And, let’s be honest, you won’t be able to resist.

8. Round 2

Movies Love animated GIF

Although the first turkey feast tried to convince you you couldn’t eat anymore food, the nap re-energized you while simultaneously building a second stomach. You can now greet the second turkey with open arms.

9. Round 2: Let the second feast commence!

Movie Food animated GIF

Just as good as the first time;)

10. Round 2: Regret

Crying animated GIF

You may literally will pop out of your pants and you join the men on the couch with their pants unbuttoned (you were smart enough to wear leggings). But it hurts so good.

11. The Goodbyes

Crying Laughing animated GIF

Crying animated GIF

No, not to your family! To the food you only get to feast on once a year, and for approximately a week after thanks to Grandma’s leftovers. Gone to soon.


2 thoughts on “How to Tackle Turkey Day Like a Pro

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s