The fact that I still have to wait a week until my treasured Turkey Day arrives is torture enough. And we all know that great [mediocre] art comes from tortured times. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. An entire day dedicated to gorging on the maximum amount of food? Yes, please. It is about this time of November, the week before Thanksgiving, that I reflect on last year’s highlights and my strategy this year. With two Thanksgivings in one day, strategy is key. I still need to make up for last year’s pumpkin pie debacle. NO ONE BROUGHT PUMPKIN PIE. I thought I would indulge you all in my Thanksgiving process as I am sure I am not the only one who dives head first, literally, into the cheap canned cranberry sauce shaped like the can, right?
This is crucial to the process. Any other non-Thanksgiving related food that touches your mouth on the sacred Turkey Day may interfere with your maximum stomach capacity. Don’t risk it, no matter how hungry you are!
2. Walk in with a Purpose
Make that turkey your bitch. But like a bitch you love and respect and appreciate.
3. Prepare yourself to handle “Family Talk”
Yes, they will all ask you the same questions they did last year, “So, how many boyfriends you got now-a-days?” Prepare yourself with a self-confident sneer and brush it right off. You mean business. Turkey business.
4. Get the sibling feud out of the way
It happens at every gathering, especially if you haven’t seen each other in a while and need to make up for drama’s sake. Get the snarky comments and back jabs in before the feast commences, otherwise those words may leave a bad taste in your mouth.
5. Round 1: Let the feast commence!
Enjoy it my friends. The peace and quiet that now surrounds the table will not last for long.
6. Turkey-logged onset regret
Yet again, you realize your eyes may truly be larger than your stomach. All the turkey sitting in your system creates evil thoughts, such as “I’m too full,” and “There’s no way I can do this again at dinner time.” You. Can. Do. This.
7. Nap it off
This is essential to the game plan. You must sleep. And, let’s be honest, you won’t be able to resist.
8. Round 2
Although the first turkey feast tried to convince you you couldn’t eat anymore food, the nap re-energized you while simultaneously building a second stomach. You can now greet the second turkey with open arms.
9. Round 2: Let the second feast commence!
Just as good as the first time;)
10. Round 2: Regret
You may literally will pop out of your pants and you join the men on the couch with their pants unbuttoned (you were smart enough to wear leggings). But it hurts so good.
11. The Goodbyes
No, not to your family! To the food you only get to feast on once a year, and for approximately a week after thanks to Grandma’s leftovers. Gone to soon.