Certainty is Never Certain

So it’s been awhile. I’ve been attempting to keep my quarter life crisis at bay with massive amounts of self-prescribed procrastination and repressed anxiety. With all of the school work, job applications and general expectations piling up, I am appreciative of all the support and advice people have been bestowing on me. But there is a common thread amongst all advice that rubs me the wrong way. It may all be a part of the advice-giving tactic, but everyone is absolutely certain of what will happen in my life, of what I will achieve, when indeed nothing about that certainty is certain.

Yes, it is reassuring to hear in the midst of advice that things will all go according to plan. That I will indeed be a high-brow, high-class, New York editor, that I will become the next best-selling author, that I will find the man of my dreams to marry and make endless ginger children with. And the way they know these things? Well, they just know.

That’s not good enough for me. It doesn’t convince me, and that is mainly because I am hard to convince. As I have grown older, possibly less naive, instead of believing what has been thrown at me my whole life, I went looking for concrete, factual, evidentiary answers. Without them, I find it hard to put stock in anything. There is not factual evidence that proves I will one day be what I aspire to be, especially in the wake of searching for a job. There is no past evidence to support that I will indeed find my “soulmate.” In fact all the past results prove otherwise. It is hard to be convinced of what is not known or predictable. It’s hard to believe in something when there is no stock in it.

This may all seem sad and pessimistic, but really its a matter of my refusal to believe anything in life is guaranteed. I will still hold onto my dreams and aspirations, I will continue to fight for what I want out of life, but I won’t let myself believe I am entitled to it. A lot of what we ask for in life, and receive, is a privilege not a certainty, and not everyone is bestowed the same privileges as others. I will hope beyond hope that through hard work and vicious determination that I achieve all I desire, but I won’t set myself up more unnecessary disappointment by believing the universe will present it all on a whim.

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