Yes it is late at night and this piece is being written under the influence of NyQuil and Ed Sheeran ballads. It’s gonna get interesting 🙂
I consider myself an honest, mostly open person when it comes to the fears in my life. I indulge you readers in full confidence in hopes that you won’t use this precious, vulnerable information to manipulate or frighten me. Here it goes. My fears include:
1) Clowns (who the hell just decides to be a clown?!)
2) Mathematics (numbers and letters should never mix)
3) Not amounting to anything
4) Shutting people out
5) Letting people in
I am aware the last two are a paradox but I know that from my fellow misanthrope friends that this is more common than I even thought. Yet our entire generation seems like a paradox. In a society that revels in skepticism and is rolling in cynicism, younger and younger people are getting married and starting families before they have hit 22. WHAT?! Logically it doesn’t make any sense. In this digital age, the time span of a creating a relationship is shorter than it ever was. Constant communication creates, in effect, a sense of whirlwind romance. Oh you met at a party on Saturday and are now considered an “item” by the next Friday? Did you even see each other in person in between?
These are things that worry me, that extremely frighten me. Maybe I am an old soul, maybe I am just an anxious, very independent woman who fears the pressure from society to commit. And maybe I’m not alone…
To reiterate, I am 20 years old. I have been single longer than I would like to admit and for a long time I thought that if I made a commitment, if I settled down like all my other friends, I would be happy with my life. I would fit in. But the beautiful thing about being single is, you have time to discover yourself, to challenge yourself, to sit and watch hours of Netflix by yourself. As a single lady (or man) there are two thought processes you can adopt, the first being to fervently focus on finding another partner, or to fervently focus on yourself. At the end of the day, that is who matters most. You.
Talk of impending relationships, marriages, family life honestly scare me. Not that I don’t want that for myself some day, and I pictured that life for myself not long ago. Yet I chose to write my own story instead of one of past heartbreaks. I am 20 years old, and I know things about myself I would have never imagined knowing 4 years ago. But I also know that I have a lot more to learn. At 20, and yes I am going to continue to emphasize that I am 20, I don’t feel as if I am whole yet, as if I have accomplished what I most desire in these short 20 years.
I don’t think life is about feeling whole. It’s about piecing together as much as you can to feel complete yet still yearn for more. And to feel complete should not revolve solely around the presence of a partner in life. You have to have some idea of who you are, what you seek in life in order to give yourself to another person fully and honestly.
I’m not saying I won’t commit to someone now or in the future, but I will say that it utterly terrifies me. It only takes one stab to the back, one heartbreak to kill off vulnerability and it is not an entity which is easily resurrected.
I consider myself a courageous, dare I say ballsy, person. But it takes more courage than I seem to be able to muster to take that leap into the unknown, into someone else’s arms and believe they won’t hurt me. I may not understand how people my age are able to, in my opinion, sign away their life to another person, but I envy their trust and faith in humanity.
I may be scared
I may be envious
I may be a cynic
But I’m working on it.