A Eulogy for Amanda Bynes

Today, we must be brave. We must inter-technologically hold each other close as we accept the passing of Amanda Bynes…her pre-movie retirement, non-bat shit crazy self that is.

This…woman, if that’s what you would like to call her now, has undeniably gone bat-shit, one flew over the cuckoo’s nest crazy! The first signs being her atrocious decision to pierce what I assume to be dimples, then constantly wearing ratty, mis-shappen wigs, and multiple car accidents with stationary vehicles. The signs were all there and before we could slowly come to the realization and piece them together, Amanda already had by going off being a CRAZY again and doing the job for us.

Let us take time to appreciate this aspiring fashion designer’s-who prefers Nike sandals and sweat pants on a cold winter’s day opposed to reasonable clothing- early, less traumatizing work.

Remember that one time when Amanda played a person obsessed with Amanda? Ha! “Amanda Please!” And when dancing lobsters were truly funny and not douchey work-out junkies like on Spongebob Squarepants? Amanda knew them for who they truly were: lovers of all things dance and ridiculousness. I guess over the years her love of lobsters has been redirected toward marijuana and wig shops. Oh and remember what a dedicated friend she was in Big Fat Liar? When Frankie needed to dye his arch nemesis’ blue, she could be counted on to pull through, as well as pull off some sort of fluffy orange shawl. Her YOLO and go-getter attitude in What a Girl Wants was inspiring. Every girl wanted a rich, English dad they didn’t know of and then discovered after traveling across an ocean! No Dad could measure up after that. “No Daddy I don’t love you, why were you always there for me without a British accent?”

And we cannot forget her ground breaking, awe-inspiring, gender confusing role in She’s the Man! And as a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, this movie is the best, most-quotable movie. Ever. Period. Not every actress can pull off a wig, sideburns and an awkward, slightly southern accent like Amanda can.

Her last two acting jobs, Hairspray and Easy A, did not have a star role slot for our beloved Amanda, but she always brought the comic relief. I mean, who knew she could sing (I mean, it was probably all auto-tuned but we can still pretend)! And she pulls off the up-tight, hypocritical, jesus loving freak so well.

Sadly the only thing Amanda is employed by lately is her twitter account, which consists of offensive tweets directed toward Drake (something about wanting him to murder her lady-bits) and calling her niece fat and ugly…Not the most productive way to spend one’s time, but hey, if it makes her crazy self happy…

No one may really knows what is wrong with our dear Amanda. Whether it has been all an act or not, there is no going back now. Either she really is crazy, or she has gotten herself in too deep to ever recover any sort of respect from anyone, in any business (excluding reality television. They live for this shit). So out of love of our dear, departed, humorous lady friend let’s all try to remember the good Amanda Bynes put out in the world and continue to laugh shamelessly at what she does next.


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