It is the wee hours of this fine Thursday morning and you can thank my horrible sleep pattern/ insomnia for that. I have reached the point where I only have a week and a half left in these united states and life is still so blissfully dull.
I would like to be able to say that I am wasting away my days with intellectual pondering, extensive Old English readings, and Sudoku puzzles but that would be a lie. I have not spent much of my extended stay at home bettering myself but rather going to bed early (in the morning), waking up late, watching reruns of Bones (which is kind of educational), and eating a shameful amount of Peanut Butter M&Ms while watching American Idol try outs. In other words, I have been voluntarily letting myself rot away on our new coach cushions without a worry in the world…
Until night falls and then all the worries, freak out episodes and fears coming crawling out of the walls; leaving me awake and a nervous wreck. Why is it that no matter how old we get, our demons still seem to creep up on us when the shadows of our own self-doubt and weary worries cannot be cast away by the light? We may be older and no longer afraid of monsters lurking in the corner of our rooms at night, but what we face as adults is even more frightening because the monsters now lurk in the corners of our minds.
At this point, all my “safety days” to fall back on are disappearing. What I mean is that I no longer have the comfort of saying “I still have 3 weeks at home, I don’t need to stress yet.” Well those three weeks dwindled away into 8 days and the stressing must commence. I practically chant to myself that there is nothing to freak out about, nothing to waste tears on. It’s not the end of the world but the beginning of adventures. I am convinced I won’t get my demons exorcised from the depths of my mind anytime soon, but I can learn to live with them for the mean while. I am not someone to hold back or try and disguise what I am feeling because sooner or later you will erupt. I can’t tell myself not to stress out about packing and paper work, I can’t convince myself that a few tears won’t be shed when saying good bye. I can only accept all the feelings that are heading my way and take them on one by one.
The good news is, I still have 8 days left in my humble ‘homeland” and I am not going to waste it on wearisome and saddening thoughts. I am going to spend time with the ones I love and hopefully my excitement will expel my worries.